January 22, 2005 Dear Internet: As you know, dear friends, when we two Gentlemen are together, there is no fiercer unit for music and merry-making in these great states of America. Indeed! But when separated, each left to his own devices, in separate cities, unchecked by the other's good senses, well, dear friends, I regret to report that ill consequences abound. This was the lesson of the past holiday season. Your humble author elected to celebrate the Lord's two-thousand and fourth birthday with a visit to that majestic den of sin, New York City. With The Councilman hibernating in his southern haven, there existed no prospect of music-making to distract me from baser pursuits. This left poor Andy Bean, alone in the city, unfettered by the wholesome influence of his partner, free to occupy himself entirely with the sordid hunt for a strong drink and a willing lass. (A gentleman's modesty prevents me from discussing the latter in indecorous detail. But to those inquiring juveniles in our readership, I offer a brief summary: Success!) As for the former: The Councilman, when present, is often kind enough to remind me, "Bean, one more bourbon and you'll be strumming your instrument as Johnny Tremain might." Without him, though, I am drawn to less restrained companions and the excessive behaviors they encourage. Thus, on my first visit to a New York tavern in several months, my condition progressed thusly: jolly, jolly and mildly intoxicated, excessively jolly and heavily intoxicated, drunk and riotous (within the tavern), drunk and riotous (outside the tavern), asleep on the doorstep of a nearby tenement. Dear reader, I might by sleeping there still had a resident of the building not roused me from my slumber with a matronly tap and the gentle entreaty: Sir, you can't sleep here anymore. My response to this was apparently unsatisfactory, for she soon abandoned her tender appeals and delivered me a swift kick to the torso. Luckily for all involved, the evening's drink had not yet fully extinguished my good humor, and I felt no compulsion to assault this woman with a slurring verbal retort. Instead, I quickly stood, tipped my cap, mumbled some inexpert like, "It is clear to all present, Ma'am, that I was already on my way!" and stumbled away, clutching my bruised left side with my right hand in a meager attempt at Napoleanic dignity. Humiliating, indeed! But, as will soon be revealed, no match for the depravity achieved by my Gentlemen partner! To be continued, Yours, etc. S. Andy Bean Return to Menu
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